Kings Of Chaos :: Forums

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?” - “No”, she replies sleepily. - “I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!” - Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!” -

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and
Use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

Teacher says " Jane, you go first"

Dough, D O U G H..

Italians make pizza with dough.."

Very good, Jane... Now let's hear from Mary.

Dough, D O U G H.

"My brother makes things with play dough."

Very good, Mary...

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?

"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,

And he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

have a nice day.....

THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! !
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."

This is the perfect example of The Irish Sense of Humor
Paddy Died in a Fire
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

There once was a farmer who had 3 daughters; who were each going out on their first date at the same time. The Farmer - being protective of his daughters - decided to meet each of their dates at the front door with a shotgun.
The doorbell rang and and the Farmer answers the door, and the guy said "Hello! My name's Joe, and I'm here for Flo. We're going to go to the show - is she ready to go?" The Farmer looked the guy other and sent the kids on their way.
The next guy arrives, and the Farmer opens the door. "Hi, my name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We're going to get some spaghetti - is she ready?" The Farmer thought this guy was okay to so off the 2 kids went.
The last young man arrived and the Farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi! My name's Chuck! - "
And the Farmer shot him.

Blonde, calling her Mum . . .
"Hi Mom, How are you?"
"Hi Kandra, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware."
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker.

I buy like 200 tickets divided on 3 lotteries, don't win in any of them. Then I buy 1 ticket and win.