jokes

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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 1 week ago

Was in a japanese takeaway last night and got chatting to the counter waiter.He told me he was a kamikaze pilot during the war and his codename was Chowmein. I said,correct me if I'm wrong but weren't you kamikaze pilots supposed to sacrifice your lives for your country?" He said,"yeah, but I was Chicken Chowmein."
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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 1 week ago

Idly the American tourist watched the Cork man dig and turn over the soil. Eventually he called:
'Hey, buddy, what's that you're doing?'
'I'm digging potatoes, sor.'
'Potatoes? Those small things? You call them potatoes? Back home in Iowa we have potatoes ten times that size!'
'Yes, sor. But you see. We only grow them to fit our mouths!'
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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 1 week ago

What of Jim Farrell who found riches in America and sent home a newly discovered rejuvenating drug, guaranteed to take years off a person's age?

Try a course of these, mother,' he wrote. Till be home in six months - I can't wait to see the change in you.'

Six months came and went and Jim arrived at Dublin. Through the waiting throng at the airport came a stunning blonde girl pushing a pram. 'Jim, don't you recognise me? I'm your mother. I took one of the pills and look at me!'

'In the name of heaven,' said Jim, 'what's that in the pram?'

'Ach, that's your father, he took two pills!'
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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 1 week ago

Ear Infection
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis "he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear,
Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!
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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 1 week ago

Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral? A: There's one less drunk.

Q: How does every Irish joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Irish man and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: What do you call a big Irish spider? A: A Paddy long legs.

Q: How do you blind an Irish woman? A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her

Q: What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight? A: Liam Malone

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Irish beauty contest? A: Me neither. Q: What do you call an Irishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A: A Referee.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Cos they're always a little short
Q: What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea? A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke
Q: Why did God invent whiskey? A: So the Irish would never rule the world
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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 1 week ago

Irish Priest An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 1 week ago

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
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Kaya
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Re: jokes

Post by Kaya » 1 week ago

Midwife says to Paddy,"your wife's just had triplets!" "I'm not surprised," says Paddy."My Manhood is as big as a chimney." The Midwife replies,"Well you better get it swept then,because they're all black!"
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RoGuEsHaDoW
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Re: jokes

Post by RoGuEsHaDoW » 1 week ago

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.


Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.


Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.


"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.


The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
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